Good riddance, Big Ben!

Taiwan's mask mandate, which is still in force, allows masks to be removed in special situations -- including (last I checked) eating, drinking, walking, riding a motorcycle, taking a photo, and lecturing -- so I'm pretty much good. My students, who have to sit at their desks without doing any of those things, not so much.

A few days ago, one of my private students said, "It's not fair that I have to wear a mask but you don't!"

"It certainly isn't," I said. "Feel free to take it off if you like."

"I can't!" she said. "Big Ben says I have to wear it."

Big Ben! I wish I had thought of that.

The Minister of Health and Welfare -- "Taiwan's Dr. Fauci" and the world's most powerful dentist -- was called Chen Shih-chung (陳時中), and his given name is a perfect homophone of 時鐘, the Chinese word for "clock." The Chinese for "stupid" is 笨, pronounced ben, and so Big Ben in London is called 大笨鐘 -- literally, "Big Stupid Clock."

It's just a perfect nickname -- a very clever Chinese-English pun, and (much like "Let's go Brandon") indirect enough to make it playfully irreverent rather than just rude. Forget the old "Tooth Fairy" nickname; I'm never calling him anything but Big Ben from now on.

So imagine my mixed feelings when I discovered, just days later, that Big Ben had resigned! Not in disgrace, mind you, but to focus on his run for Mayor of Taipei -- a position which is generally recognized as a stepping-stone to the presidency. The good news is that Big Ben will likely be in the public eye for many years to come, giving me ample opportunity to talk about him. The bad news is that he hasn't really stepped down but stepped up, and the new guy will probably be just as bad but without the awesome nickname.

So I guess it's masks forever, then

It's not easy to distinguish oneself as the world's most ridiculous health minister -- there's some pretty stiff competition out there -- but I think Taiwan's "Tooth Fairy" Chen Shih-chung, the world's most powerful dentist, may have pulled it off.

About a month ago, there were reports that Chen was considering lifting outdoor mask mandates starting in July -- which would make a lot of sense since, with upwards of 99% mask compliance and tens of thousands of new birdemic "cases" daily, it's increasingly hard to pretend that the masks are doing anything.

Since it's nearly July, I thought I'd check if they were still going forward with the plan to lift the mask mandates. No, of course they aren't.

During a press conference that afternoon, a reporter asked CECC head Chen Shih-chung (陳時中) to comment on reports that mask regulations would be relaxed in July and that the border will be reopened in August. Chen said that given the fluctuations in the outbreak, the CECC is not able to plan as far in advance as August, but will make adjustments in response to the epidemic situation.

Regarding the loosening of mask rules in July, Chen said "for the time being, we will probably not be implementing an overall relaxation of mask (rules) because, in addition to the birdemic, masks have a considerable preventative effect on other respiratory diseases." Chen did not elaborate on what other respiratory diseases the CECC is concerned about.

Chen said that even if the ban on masks is lifted, the relaxed measures will only apply to "special situations." Chen emphasized that generally, masks should continue to be worn at all times.

That's right, he's going to continue to force us to wear masks not because of the birdemic (which masks obviously do nothing to stop) but because of "other respiratory diseases." What other respiratory diseases? Well, as far as I know, there's no other respiratory disease that anyone is claiming is a pandemic or a public health emergency, so he can only be referring to such permanent fixtures of the respiratory environment as seasonal flu and the common cold.

Which means masks forever.

I know what you're thinking: What a betrayal of his dental principles! How many people are going to keep visiting the dentist twice a year if they know no one's ever going to see their teeth again? Right?

Don't worry. Tooth Fairy Chen is five moves ahead of you.

Straight from the jackass's mouth

But in the end, the epidemic is the most important thing, and opening up is not the goal.

-- Chen Shih-chung, Taiwan's Health and Welfare Tyrant

Another sign idea

The birdemic death toll in Taiwan just shot up more than 14% in a single day -- meaning eight people have now died, a jaw-dropping 0.00003% of the population.

So far, schools like my own have been exempt from the mask mandate, but given how unspeakably dire the situation has become, it's only a matter of time before some benevolent bureaucrat thinks of the children.

When they do, I'm going to be good and ready.

We are all Hong Kongers now -- not a statement of solidarity, just a fact.

If I ran the circus

So far schools like my own are exempt from Taiwan's mask mandate, imposed on December 1 to protect the people from the raging pandemic that has claimed an unprecedented seven lives all year. (We wouldn't want to overwhelm the hospital system, after all!) But I naturally have a contingency plan ready just in case that changes.

Here, ready to be printed and posted should the need arise, is my "please wear a mask" sign.

For those of my readers who don't read Chinese (which, I realize, is basically all of you), this literally says, "The Taiwan government doesn't want [your] face. Please wear a mask." However, as most people know, face also has another meaning in Chinese culture, only partially captured by such English translations as "lose face," "save face," etc. The sign actually says something like "The Taiwan government has no shame," but even stronger than that -- one of the most severe moral accusations in the language.

Not severe enough, though. Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth! Break out the great teeth of the young lions!

It's an emergency!

I find that -- despite the government's best efforts to keep the panic alive, including a new nationwide tin foil hat mandate, to be enforced by strict fines -- people still do not fully realize the gravity of the birdemic situation in Taiwan.

So, being the public-spirited type, I put together this graphic to make the numbers easy to visualize. The square represents the population of Taiwan (before it was culled by the birdemic). The red portion represents those who have died of the birdemic. Blue represents "cases" (in the inclusive birdemic sense of that word) who have not died -- including both active cases and those who have recovered. The gray portion represents everyone else.

You might want to zoom in.

Note added: The red portion actually ought to be slightly smaller than a single pixel, but I rounded up. Better to overestimate the danger than underestimate it!

Make them ask every time.

To my friends here in Taiwan, please note this little loophole in the totalitarian law that takes effect on December 1.

That's right, you can't be fined unless you actually defy a request to put on your tin foil hat. A sign in the window is not a request. "Everyone else is doing it" is not a request. Make the bastards ask you every single time. Then, of course, put on the damn hat. Why voluntarily donate more of your hard-earned money to a totalitarian regime?

And, should you happen to own or operate one of the targeted venues (my own establishment is happily exempt!), don't ever ask anyone to comply with this law. Remember, if no one asks them, they're not in violation -- or can't be fined, anyway.

Obviously, this is not official legal advice and is based only on press releases. My Chinese isn't good enough to read the law itself. Anyway, it's what I intend to do, and I advise the same to everyone else. Do what you have to do, but do not go gentle.

Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth! Break out the great teeth of the young lions!

Et in Arcadia . . .

It's Thanksgiving Day for us Americans, and I was just thinking that one of the main things I'm thankful for this year is that I was in Taiwan when the birdemic BS hit the fan. Here the response has been, while still insanely out of proportion to the actual health risk, much more measured than almost anywhere else in the world. No lockdowns, no forced closures of businesses, nothing like that. People wore masks for a while, but there was never any strict enforcement, and now even that has gone back to normal ("normal" including, in East Asian countries, a certain background level of voluntary mask-wearing).

I was, as I say, just thinking that -- when someone told me the news: Masks mandatory in most public areas in Taiwan starting Dec. 1, to be enforced by fines of up to US$500. This would be a stupid and evil policy anywhere in the world, but the stupidity and evil is particularly transparent in Taiwan. Here's the birdemic death data for Taiwan, according to Google:

That's right, a whopping seven deaths -- not 7,000, not 700, just seven -- have been attributed to the birdemic to date, with the most recent more than six months ago. For comparison, Taiwan has a population of about 24 million. Lightning strikes kill an average of 12 people a year. Billionaires outnumber birdemic victims five-to-one. "It's just the flu, bro" would actually be an absurd overstatement, since last year's flu killed 89 people 530 people, plus 15,185 pneumonia deaths, here. In short, the risk of dying of the birdemic in Taiwan is not appreciably higher than the risk of falling victim to spontaneous human combustion.

The mask mandate has generated no noticeable controversy or resistance. After all, winter is coming! There might be a second wave! Seven more people might die! Maybe even eight!

So this is the reductio ad absurdum of 2020. If people in Taiwan -- where IQs are among the highest in the world, and where literally nothing is happening -- can fall for this, then all bets are off. This isn't a case of people erring on the side of safety, or even being innocently bamboozled. This is people with fully functioning brains willfully choosing to be dumber than a bag of hammers. This is civilization committing suicide. This is "2 + 2 = 5." This is the end.

Oh, I almost forgot: #GiveThanks