The "No Glory for [That Guy We] Hate Act"

This goes so far beyond self-parody that any witty remarks on my part would just be overkill, but apparently it's real, straight from congress.gov (PDF). The boldface is my own, but other than that I swear I am quoting verbatim from an official government document. Really! I'm not even crossing my fingers behind my back.

A BILL

To prohibit the use of Federal funds for the commemoration of certain former Presidents [sic, plural in original], and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the "No Glory for Hate Act".

SEC. 2. FEDERAL FUNDS RESTRICTION ON COMMEMORATING CERTAIN FORMER PRESIDENTS [sic].

Notwithstanding section 3102 of title 40, United States Code, no Federal funds may be used to—

 

(1) create or display any symbol, monument, or statue commemorating any former President that has been twice impeached by the House of Representatives on or before the date of enactment of this Act or has been convicted of a State or Federal crime relating to actions taken in an official capacity as President of the United States on Federal public land, including any highway, park, subway, Federal building, military installation, street, or other Federal property; . . .

The bill goes on to list several other measures regarding these "certain former Presidents," namely:

• No federal building or land may be named after him -- uh, I mean "them."
• No federal funds can be spent on state buildings or lands named after CFPs.
• No Former Presidents Act benefits for CFPs, except Secret Service protection.
• No CFPs -- not a single one of them! -- may be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. If a CFP absolutely must be buried, it is recommended that this be done at a crossroads at midnight, and a stake driven through his -- or her! -- heart. (Okay, sorry, a bit of satire did creep in there.)

As everyone knows, Donald J. Trump is the only U.S. president to have been impeached (and acquitted) twice, and it won't matter if anyone else ever matches or beats his record, because the bill specifies only those who were "twice impeached . . . before the date of enactment of this Act."

In other words, they might as well have called it the "No Glory For Former Presidents Born on June 14, 1946 Act." Is it illegal for an Act of Congress to single out an individual by name? If so, this is a pretty freaking transparent workaround!

So if Trump somehow manages to get the Fake Election overturned after all, he'd better hurry up and get all those things built and named after him before he becomes a former President that has been twice impeached.