The riddle of Russell M. Nelson

And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, "I will persuade him."

And the Lord said unto him, "Wherewith?"

And he said, "I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets."

And he said, "Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so."

-- 1 Kings 22:21-22

They have healed also the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace.

-- Jeremiah 6:14

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So Russell M. Nelson -- leader of That Historically Mormon Organization With the Really Long Name -- has given a "shared message of hope and healing" that is being heavily promoted. And I -- no, of course I didn't watch it! Talking video is talking video even when it comes from God's Mouthpiece on Earth. But, having been alerted to its existence by strange goings-on at the Junior Ganymede, I did read the transcript (pdf).

I'm really struggling to know what to make of this man. Here are a few excerpts from his address, interspersed with snide remarks.

As a man of science and as a man of faith, the current worldwide pandemic has been of great concern to me.

And your dangling modifier is of great concern to me as a man of English -- but that aside, I agree. The death of science and its replacement by "The Science"; the voluntary institutional seppuku of all organized religions; the way Satan, with a great chain in his hand, veils the whole face of the earth in darkness and looks up and laughs, and his angels rejoice -- all this should be of utmost concern to all men of science and of faith.

As a man of science, I appreciate the critical need to prevent the spread of infection. . . .

Oh, right. There's that, too. Good to cover all the bases.

As a man of faith, however, I view the current pandemic as only one of many ills that plague our world,

Preach! The birdemic is not the sole ill. This is where he's gonna break out the Imprecatory Psalms and give it with both barrels to Satan and the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.

including hate,

Tell me he didn't just say that.

civil unrest,

Worldwide totalitarian coup takes place. Populace shrugs, or begs for more. World's biggest problem: civil unrest. 

racism, violence,

Checks out. Oh, wait, did you mean something else?

dishonesty,

Yes! How the hell did this not get top billing? I mean, I know it's not as critical as "preventing the spread of infection" or anything, but still . . .

and lack of civility.

Between the states. Say between the states. I just can't abide the word "civil." And -- wait, is this the end of the list? What about global warming? You forgot global warming!

Skilled scientists and researchers are laboring diligently to develop and distribute a vaccine against the [birdemic].

And as a Man of Science™, you know this is totally necessary.

But there is no medication or operation that can fix the many spiritual woes and maladies that we face.

Tell us about it, doctor. The sickness unto death -- Sygdommen til Døden, as the Danes call it.

There is, however, a remedy -- one that may seem surprising -- because it flies in the face of our natural intuitions.

Whatever you do, don't trust those natural intuitions. 

Nevertheless, its effects have been validated by scientists as well as men and women of faith.

Tell me, how can scientists validate something as a remedy to spiritual woes and maladies? I'll tell you: Because you're actually talking about therapy and using "spiritual" to mean psychological.

I am referring to the healing power of gratitude. . . .

Maybe we could clap, too.

Over my nine and a half decades of life, I have concluded that counting our blessings is far better than recounting our problems.

Yes, I know recounting means "giving an account of." Still a dubious choice of words in November 2020.

No matter our situation, showing gratitude for our privileges is a fast-acting and long-lasting spiritual prescription. Does gratitude spare us from sorrow, sadness, grief, and pain? No, but it does soothe our feelings. . . .

Seriously? It soothes our feelings? Lulls us into carnal security, you might say? You're supposed to be a prophet, man, not a psychotherapist.

As a doctor, I know the value of good therapy. So, dear friends, may I prescribe two activities to help us experience the healing power of gratitude.

We don't want therapy. We want spiritual leadership. And I hate to break it to you, but "as a doctor" doesn't have the cachet it used to.

First, I invite you -- just for the next seven days -- to turn social media into your own personal gratitude journal. Post every day about what you are grateful for, whom you are grateful for, and why you are grateful. At the end of seven days, see if you feel happier and more at peace. Use the hashtag #GiveThanks.

And the Lord spake unto Moses and said, "Let's get this hashtag trending." Any prophet worth his salt would have said get the hell off social media ages ago.

Working together, we can flood social media with a wave of gratitude that reaches the four corners of the earth. Perhaps this will fulfill, in part, the promise God gave to Father Abraham, that through his descendants “all families of the earth [shall] be blessed.”

And this, in the immortal words of Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, "marks the absolute zero in human goofiness." I'm going to bow out at this point. Any further repartee on my part would be overkill.

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Would you believe me if I said that this evil speaking of the Lord's anointed is a sad duty which gives me no pleasure? Of course you wouldn't -- but the pleasure is genuinely bittersweet. No matter how much evidence stares me in the face, it's still hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that the leaders of (what used to be) the Mormon Church are now on the wrong side in the spiritual war. But they are.

I met Russell M. Nelson once, some 20 years ago in Utah. I remember his extreme tidiness, the almost mantis-like precision of his movements. I remember the way he always kept his arms very, very close to his body, as if he were trying to take up as little space as possible. I remember how he delivered his address with his face tilted slightly downwards, as if he had stopped wearing glasses years ago but never lost the habit of peering over them. I remember how, despite all these less-than-macho mannerisms, he exuded self-confidence and right to rule.

(Wait, I've just described a Gray alien, haven't I? I swear I didn't do that on purpose! Only after writing down my impressions as I remembered them did I realize who they reminded me of.)

I do not remember being bowled over by any aura of spirituality, any sense that this was a prophet of God. But neither do I remember the opposite. He seemed a decent person. But this is war, and being decent is neither here nor there. All that matters is which side you're one.

How did so many decent people end up on the wrong side? And how did a sin-ridden old fleabag of a spirit like myself somehow manage to find the right one? Where, I ask, is the justice in that?